


transgender dysphoria blues

by arekiras



Series: true trans soul rebel [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, Non-binary Magnus Bane, Transgender Author, mlm author, transgender Magnus Bane, transgender alec lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-28
Updated: 2018-07-28
Packaged: 2019-06-17 12:06:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15461004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arekiras/pseuds/arekiras
Summary: “I hate cis people,” Alec sighs, throwing himself back against the couch and glaring up at the ceiling, rubbing his stinging eyes.Magnus looks over at him from the balcony where he was doing his daily tai chi, arching an eyebrow. “Me, too. What have they done now?”





	transgender dysphoria blues

**Author's Note:**

> I'm a trans enby author pls don't come for me over this. If you would like to yell, come see me @autisticalecs on tumblr. I'm open to requests and general headcanon-ing.

“I hate cis people,” Alec sighs, throwing himself back against the couch and glaring up at the ceiling, rubbing his stinging eyes.

Magnus looks over at him from the balcony where he was doing his daily tai chi, arching an eyebrow. “Me, too. What have they done now?” Alec gestures at his laptop sitting on his knees vaguely. Magnus ambles over, stretching his arms over his head, body shining with sweat. Normally that sight alone would be enough to pull Alec out of any grim mood, but dysphoria still strikes him hard and fast, and the ache in his chest and stomach doesn’t abate. 

Magnus leans down behind Alec on the couch, kissing the crown of his head, eyes on the laptop. An email from an uncle on Alec’s mother’s side of the family is open. The first line greets Alec as his deadname, a name no one but his father has used in ten years. Magnus makes a disgusted noise, reaching over Alec and closing the laptop.  
“How lucky we are that not everyone is immortal. Some people never learn, Alexander,” Magnus says, placing his hands on Alec’s shoulders. 

Alec shrugs, tilting his head back to lean on the back of the couch and look up at Magnus. “It’s been a decade.” Magnus smiles, and Alec frowns. “I know that doesn’t mean much to you, but-” Magnus cuts him off with a swift, chaste kiss, before rounding the couch and flopping down on it, pulling on his discarded tank top. 

“I remember what it was like. I’ve had hundreds of years to get used to it, and it still hurts. Being transgender, having anything about you that people see as an invitation to ridicule, is like a wound that never heals. But they’re the wrong ones, Alexander, not us. They’re the ones that won’t allow us to heal,” Magnus says gently. 

Alec leans his head on Magnus’ shoulder. “I thought that when I had surgery,” a hand comes up to subconsciously rub at his chest, “it would end, you know? Like it would be complete, no one would look at me and see a woman in disguise anymore. No more binders, no more back aches and bruised ribs, no more deadname. It wasn’t like that at all. I got home from the hospital and the first thing my father did was misgender me.” 

“Your father,” Magnus says sagely, “is a degenerate. And an idiot.” 

“I know. But I still have to deal with him,” Alec replies, laughing despite himself. 

Magnus hums. “It gets… different, with time. I’m vastly older than any of the words I use to define myself. Transmasculine, non-binary, bisexual; small components of what makes me myself. Eventually they stop meaning so much. Eventually, what matters is that this is the same skin I have been in for hundreds of years, and this is the name I’ve chosen for myself, and the life I’ve made. What words other people give me in the way of definitions are helpful, but less meaningful. And what other people think of those words is still hurtful, but less meaningful.” 

“How long did it take you to feel that way?” Alec asks grumpily. 

“We’re different. Our lives are different. My answer to that question won’t be the same as yours. My first step regarding physically transitioning was asking my demon father to cast a permanent glamor on my body,” Magnus reminds him. 

Alec laughs again. “When I was fourteen Isabelle cut my hair for me. Jace guarded the door. It was longer than hers is now. We tied it into three ponytails and snipped it all off.” 

“Exactly. It’s different. The people that matter care about you and your comfort. Anyone else is ultimately inconsequential, and will die eventually,” Magnus replies. 

“That’s your solution? ‘I’m going to outlive all of you so fuck off’?” Alec chuckles. 

“It’s true,” Magnus elbows Alec in the ribs, getting Alec to sit up and take his weight off of Magnus’ side. 

Alec heaves a sigh. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right.” He rolls his eyes. “Sorry. It just still really gets to me.” He picks up his laptop and deletes the email with a particularly forceful click on the trackpad and opens the next one. 

“Don’t be sorry for having feelings, Alexander. But, even though it’s difficult, also don’t let yourself be guilted into being sorry for existing,” Magnus says, kissing Alec on the temple. 

“How could I, when you’re here existing with me,” Alec says. 

“That might be the gayest thing you’ve said this week,” Magnus tilts his head, considering. 

“It’s only Wednesday. I have time.”


End file.
